Roy’s Sunday Letter for October 11, 2026
A Sunday Letter reader suggested, I find a way to address death. I chose a story to present the experience and response to the death of a friend or family member, whatever the age or life stage. Leave your Comment following the story. By your sharing, we learn together.
Talking To Dirt
Charley and Mattie were quiet on the drive across town. The grandfather began visiting Short Pines Cemetery to be with his daughter, her too soon death a recurrence of breast cancer all thought was past her, but not. Charley and Mattie soon asked to come with their grandfather, carrying their own sadness and missing of a mother leaving their young lives far too soon.
Charley ran ahead of the grandfather, finding just the right stick for the imaginary foes hiding behind trees and headstones. Mattie, older, more cautious, holding her grandfather’s hand as they made the walk to her mother’s grave and headstone. “Charley, come say hello to your mother.” Charley broke away from his unseen ghosts, still nervous about talking to dirt, to stand behind his sister.
Mattie brought Charley with her as she stood with one hand on the grave marker. “Mom, I like you best when you join me in bed and tell me about when you were young and I was a baby. Coming to Short Pines is like coming to your home, where you live now. Mom, science is hard for me. Keep encouraging me. I will do better, I promise.” Charley, finding his voice, whispered down and though the dirt, “Mom, I miss you so much. I hope you’re not cold.”
Each Saturday the grandfather would slip away, walking further down the grassy slope to a grave shaded by trees. Marie’s years of a lingering heart disease ended five years ago. Her husband, the grandfather, stood quiet, still, soft words of devoted love shared. After giving his update on next month’s hip replacement, he made the walk up the slope to Chatley and Mattie.
The caretaking grandfather, the ghost fighting grandson, and the now teen granddaughter move together to grandfather’s van, returning to soccer practice, dance class, worry over medical bills and a, too fast, world taking their thoughts away from a Saturday cemetery and a wife and mother forever gone, but always present.
- Sunday Questions…
- Have you talked by voice or interior thoughts to someone who has died? Are you comfortable with Mattie’s talking and listening with her mom?
- Preparing for and responding to a sudden death or a death after a long illness present different challenges. What resources have been helpful and supportive to you? What additional resources would be helpful to you now?
- Cremation has grown as a choice by many. Families may live now far from birth home, seldom returning. What are your cemetery experiences whether young as Charley and Mattie, or older life stage?
1. Mattie’s words breathe beauty into the world. I have visited my mother’s grave twice in the last year. Both times the flood of words and emotions surprised me. It seems to me, centuries of cross cultural burial ceremony and practice speak deeply to our need to maintain these connections.
2. Nearly 40 years ago I served as a hospital chaplain’s assistant. As a guest in the stories of people walking through loss, I observed and hopefully learned two important truths: (1) At the end of a long goodbye, death may bring needed relief from suffering for the deceased and the family. This is solace and it is not a celebration of loss to be criticized. (2) Sudden death takes time to process. And everyone’s process of grief is unique. No one helps by prescribing an “proper” process of grief.
3. Perhaps I suffer a strange perspective on cemeteries. I am fascinated by the stories they tell. I once took a selfie sitting on a log in the Vanderpool Cemetery in the Texas Hill Country. None of my relatives are buried there. But the photo came as a souvenir for the long conversations I had with deceased and even living mentors and guides with whom I have limited access. Cemeteries are sacred spaces to me. And times of personal growth have happened in them.
As a youth my east TX family joined many others on Memorial Day, at the community cemetery.
Raking leaves, picking up limbs and blown papers. I well remember visiting the gravesite of the uncle, named Carroll, my middle name.
AIDS brought me back to cemeteries, not in a good way.
Anow now cremations changing both the sight and memory of a death.
We continue…..all of us. RB
A dying memory of mine is my Dad’s death bed. Fifteen of his 19 grandkids sat his bedside. All had an oppprtunity to hold his hand and tell him they loved him. Seven of his nine children did the same. An eighth child, living around 1000 miles away used a phone to convey her message of love. Even though Dad was semi conscious, his tears told us he knew who was on the phone. Still a vivid scene 27 years later
a living story so important share in the best of ways.
I was not bedside for both parents last breath. Regrets even now.
Many cemeteries are on You Tube….perhaps a Search may be helpful.
Thoughts to a forever friend and more grandkids than I can count.
Rb
This is a subject I find difficult to address. My father died when I was two years old so I have no ties or memories of him, by the silence in my family I surmised he wasn’t a kind man. My mother died in 1998 and I can still hear her voice clearly speaking to me especially in hard times. My husband died in 2004 suddenly, without any warning it changed my world in a second. Four nights after he died I woke in the middle of the night and walked towards a sound. I clearly saw Jim removing the spindles from the front staircase. I asked him what he was doing and he said, “ I have left so much undone, go back to bed honey” I realize now he wasn’t really there but he did leave me with so many things that had to be taken care of. It was the only time he visited me, but for whatever reason it gave me closure to hear his voice one more time and know he loved me. I think of all the people that are gone from my life and try to remember our good times together. At this point in my life I look at my grandchildren and great-grandchildren and know I don’t have many more years to treasure them, so each time I see them I remind them of how much I love them and how important they are to me.
Yes, Jim both prepared you and in so many ways is still a part of you even now.
The loss journey so different for each of us.
I carry my grandfather into many parts of me, over my shoulder in a staff meeting, staying with me when I get it wrong,seemingly always in full public.
We are with you as you step out into your next days….yeah for you!!
RB
good morning Roy.. you’ve got me crying early.. going to go cold plunge and will response later.. thank you for beginning this conversation.
Happy Sunday.
we all plunge into our grief, our missing of another.
these important ones continue in the ways we live our lives, both memories and the future unfolfing.
RB
Wonderful letter Roy and great responses…
I have lost close friends in tragic accidents.
family members to cancer, suicide, COPD, and simple old age and being ready to quit living.
pain of loss comes in many forms.
i am in close contact with 25+ fraternity brothers from College years ago. we meet every summer, this past June being #48 in a row, no misses for me. Now we are aging and beginning to leave this group and this world. Big sadness and anxious about the accleration of the losses.. thanks much to all for sharing these thoughts and experiences..
During one of my last visits with my mom, ( Copd), she told me ” dying is part of living. Something we all have to do.” While living we hold onto our memories and i am very thankful for these . Happy Sunday.
In a “Death and Dying” class the instructor asked for us to describe the most profound death in our life. One student acknowledged that the passing of his pet had been the most disturbing death in his life. The instructor replied that was not a good response. There was class opposition to the instructors response, and we many of us took a verbal personal stand. I have been part of the end of life times with both family and friends. It has always been a time of caring, loving, and grieving and saying goodbye. We each have our own journey in life. Being gentle, kind, and understanding on our path can help ease the difficulties and celebrating the accomplishments, joys, and loving connecting bonds, and friendships as we engage of all of life’s important moments. I think it is important to open our arms outstretched and connect souls while precious life is still within us.
Peter, well written, clear and meaningful
The saying of hello and goodbye always a challenge.
We all do our best….together,RB